Discipline How To Blog

Anna asks:

Suppose that you were a counselor dealing with a family with a highly aggressive child. In your view, the frequent use of aversive punishment (i.e. spanking him when he hits his sister) by the parents is contributing to the boy’s aggression.
1. What might you say to the parents to make them aware of the potential negative side effects of the use of punishment?
2. What alternative discipline strategies might you suggest?

Answer:

For a punishment to be affective, it must be consistent, aversive, and immediate. Often times, spanking is neither consistent nor immediate. Additionally, it may even stop being aversive and become reinforcing due to the attention that is paid to the child. If spanking has been used and the behavior continues, it can not be considered an affective punishment and should be abandoned.

A more constructive way to punish a child is with time outs. These can include separating the child from a reinforcing activity or situation such as playing with friends or toys. Ideally, a time out should be for one minute per age. After the punishment has been carried out, it is best to talk with the child to see if he or she understands why his or her behavior caused the punishment. It is also a good time to introduce an alternative behavior to solve the situation that caused the inappropriate behavior in the first place.

Jill asks:

How do you draw the line between child discipline and child abuse?
I believe that children need to be disciplined to learn the consequences of their actions, but I also know that child abuse can cause heavy pschological damage to children. What in your opinion is the acceptable way to discipline one’s child?

Answer:

There are probably as many ways to discipline your child as there are kids in this world. Every parent is different. We have an 11 month old son and do plan to use spanking as a means of punishment. BUT I only plan to spank after other methods have been used, such as time out, removing privileges, praise for good behavior, etc. And then I only plan to use spanking if it’s effective. Also, there is a right and a wrong way to spank. You should never spank in anger and your child should know why it is happening. I agree, beating your children can cause psychological damage but there is a great difference in spanking as a discipline method and abuse. We were spanked a bit growing up, but honestly more damage was done to us kids through my dad’s form of verbal abuse. But in the end, you do what you are comfortable with and what works for your kid. I think more parents should discipline SOME WAY, instead of treating their child as their best friend!

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I read, with some concern, an oped piece by LaShaun Williams in The New York Times. Ms. Williams makes the case that spanking is a black cultural thing. “Indeed,” she states, “spanking is as much a part of popular black culture as fried chicken and Kool-Aid.” Ms. Williams points out that research shows that black children are more often spanked than are their white counterparts and yet, “black males still lag in academic achievement and dominate prison populations, and black females lead in abortion numbers and have almost three-fourths of their children out of wedlock.” While, this may lead some to the conclusion that spanking is simply not working, Ms. Williams takes another view, believing that black parents have little tolerance for back talking and public disobedience than their white counterparts.

In my experience, I have seen children of many races, creeds and colors raised as obedient, well-rounded children without the need for corporal punishment. On the other hand, I have also known many parents that do use spanking as an occasional punishment.

The real point is that any parent’s goal should be to raise children that are respectful. I have spanked my children on occasion, but now realize that their are many more effective ways to encourage obedience and respect. Unfortunately, there are too many parents today who are overwhelmed when it comes to discipline and often take an easier route by ignoring the problem.