Discipline How To Blog

Anna asks:

Suppose that you were a counselor dealing with a family with a highly aggressive child. In your view, the frequent use of aversive punishment (i.e. spanking him when he hits his sister) by the parents is contributing to the boy’s aggression.
1. What might you say to the parents to make them aware of the potential negative side effects of the use of punishment?
2. What alternative discipline strategies might you suggest?

Answer:

For a punishment to be affective, it must be consistent, aversive, and immediate. Often times, spanking is neither consistent nor immediate. Additionally, it may even stop being aversive and become reinforcing due to the attention that is paid to the child. If spanking has been used and the behavior continues, it can not be considered an affective punishment and should be abandoned.

A more constructive way to punish a child is with time outs. These can include separating the child from a reinforcing activity or situation such as playing with friends or toys. Ideally, a time out should be for one minute per age. After the punishment has been carried out, it is best to talk with the child to see if he or she understands why his or her behavior caused the punishment. It is also a good time to introduce an alternative behavior to solve the situation that caused the inappropriate behavior in the first place.

Jill asks:

How do you draw the line between child discipline and child abuse?
I believe that children need to be disciplined to learn the consequences of their actions, but I also know that child abuse can cause heavy pschological damage to children. What in your opinion is the acceptable way to discipline one’s child?

Answer:

There are probably as many ways to discipline your child as there are kids in this world. Every parent is different. We have an 11 month old son and do plan to use spanking as a means of punishment. BUT I only plan to spank after other methods have been used, such as time out, removing privileges, praise for good behavior, etc. And then I only plan to use spanking if it’s effective. Also, there is a right and a wrong way to spank. You should never spank in anger and your child should know why it is happening. I agree, beating your children can cause psychological damage but there is a great difference in spanking as a discipline method and abuse. We were spanked a bit growing up, but honestly more damage was done to us kids through my dad’s form of verbal abuse. But in the end, you do what you are comfortable with and what works for your kid. I think more parents should discipline SOME WAY, instead of treating their child as their best friend!

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I received the following question from a reader:

HELP! My almost 10 yr. old daughter has been getting worse and worse with her blatant disrespect towards me. I know that she continues to say and do the things she does, because I don’t know how to handle it. In the past hour these are the things she has said to me…1. You’re just so stupid! 2. Your face is ugly! 3. I hate you! 4. Stupid! 5. You’re the dumbest person ever! What do I do? Do I resort to physically trying to force vinegar in her mouth (as some have suggested)? I usually try to just tell her that it is wrong for her to talk to me like that, and then walk away. But it is only getting worse.  I also have two boys, one is 7 and one is 4, and they are starting to model her language. I often feel extremely “stepped on” and “deflated,” especially by my 10 yr old, because this has been going on for a long time, and no matter what we do, it just gets worse. There are times that it hurts my heart so badly that I feel like I know what it’s like to be emotionally abused on a daily basis.

Many of us have felt this way!  Don’t get discouraged, instead you need to set some rules for your children and breaking these rules some with consequences.

A few years ago, both my older and middle children were becoming a handful.  I had specific rules in my mind, but I did not communicate them well to my children.  I didn’t write them down and the consequences were always random and did not exist.  This was NOT working.  Then I was invited to a seminar at the local elementary school.  The program was called Smart Discipline by Dr. Larry Koenig.  This system changed the way that I disciplined my children.

This system teaches you, as a parent, to talk to your children about expectations, establish rules and formulate consequences.  The key to the program is follow through.  If you are willing to take a stand to diminish bad behavior, this system works!

In a nutshell, the Smart Discipline program uses a simple chart system.  The program suggests, and I have found this to be true, that you need to choose one or two behaviors to focus on at a time.  Trying to solve every problem at once may not work.  The child helps establish the consequences and understands that for each instance of bad behavior he receives an X on his chart.  The child will receive a few warning Xs before the consequences set in.

After using this system for my two older children and modifying their behavior, I stopped using the system for a while.  Now, my six year old son, is starting with whining and tantrums to try and get his way.  I pulled out the old system and I sat down with him to go over the rules and consequences.  When the whining starts, it is easy for me to remind him of the consequences and for him to see the chart and his progress.  Most whining sessions are easily nipped in the bud.

If you are struggling with behavior issues with any of your children, I would highly recommend Dr. Koenig’s Smart Discipline program.