Discipline How To Blog

Anna asks:

Suppose that you were a counselor dealing with a family with a highly aggressive child. In your view, the frequent use of aversive punishment (i.e. spanking him when he hits his sister) by the parents is contributing to the boy’s aggression.
1. What might you say to the parents to make them aware of the potential negative side effects of the use of punishment?
2. What alternative discipline strategies might you suggest?

Answer:

For a punishment to be affective, it must be consistent, aversive, and immediate. Often times, spanking is neither consistent nor immediate. Additionally, it may even stop being aversive and become reinforcing due to the attention that is paid to the child. If spanking has been used and the behavior continues, it can not be considered an affective punishment and should be abandoned.

A more constructive way to punish a child is with time outs. These can include separating the child from a reinforcing activity or situation such as playing with friends or toys. Ideally, a time out should be for one minute per age. After the punishment has been carried out, it is best to talk with the child to see if he or she understands why his or her behavior caused the punishment. It is also a good time to introduce an alternative behavior to solve the situation that caused the inappropriate behavior in the first place.

Jill asks:

How do you draw the line between child discipline and child abuse?
I believe that children need to be disciplined to learn the consequences of their actions, but I also know that child abuse can cause heavy pschological damage to children. What in your opinion is the acceptable way to discipline one’s child?

Answer:

There are probably as many ways to discipline your child as there are kids in this world. Every parent is different. We have an 11 month old son and do plan to use spanking as a means of punishment. BUT I only plan to spank after other methods have been used, such as time out, removing privileges, praise for good behavior, etc. And then I only plan to use spanking if it’s effective. Also, there is a right and a wrong way to spank. You should never spank in anger and your child should know why it is happening. I agree, beating your children can cause psychological damage but there is a great difference in spanking as a discipline method and abuse. We were spanked a bit growing up, but honestly more damage was done to us kids through my dad’s form of verbal abuse. But in the end, you do what you are comfortable with and what works for your kid. I think more parents should discipline SOME WAY, instead of treating their child as their best friend!

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I received the following question from a reader:

HELP! My almost 10 yr. old daughter has been getting worse and worse with her blatant disrespect towards me. I know that she continues to say and do the things she does, because I don’t know how to handle it. In the past hour these are the things she has said to me…1. You’re just so stupid! 2. Your face is ugly! 3. I hate you! 4. Stupid! 5. You’re the dumbest person ever! What do I do? Do I resort to physically trying to force vinegar in her mouth (as some have suggested)? I usually try to just tell her that it is wrong for her to talk to me like that, and then walk away. But it is only getting worse.  I also have two boys, one is 7 and one is 4, and they are starting to model her language. I often feel extremely “stepped on” and “deflated,” especially by my 10 yr old, because this has been going on for a long time, and no matter what we do, it just gets worse. There are times that it hurts my heart so badly that I feel like I know what it’s like to be emotionally abused on a daily basis.

Many of us have felt this way!  Don’t get discouraged, instead you need to set some rules for your children and breaking these rules some with consequences.

A few years ago, both my older and middle children were becoming a handful.  I had specific rules in my mind, but I did not communicate them well to my children.  I didn’t write them down and the consequences were always random and did not exist.  This was NOT working.  Then I was invited to a seminar at the local elementary school.  The program was called Smart Discipline by Dr. Larry Koenig.  This system changed the way that I disciplined my children.

This system teaches you, as a parent, to talk to your children about expectations, establish rules and formulate consequences.  The key to the program is follow through.  If you are willing to take a stand to diminish bad behavior, this system works!

In a nutshell, the Smart Discipline program uses a simple chart system.  The program suggests, and I have found this to be true, that you need to choose one or two behaviors to focus on at a time.  Trying to solve every problem at once may not work.  The child helps establish the consequences and understands that for each instance of bad behavior he receives an X on his chart.  The child will receive a few warning Xs before the consequences set in.

After using this system for my two older children and modifying their behavior, I stopped using the system for a while.  Now, my six year old son, is starting with whining and tantrums to try and get his way.  I pulled out the old system and I sat down with him to go over the rules and consequences.  When the whining starts, it is easy for me to remind him of the consequences and for him to see the chart and his progress.  Most whining sessions are easily nipped in the bud.

If you are struggling with behavior issues with any of your children, I would highly recommend Dr. Koenig’s Smart Discipline program.

The dreaded tween years!  These are the two years that I found that many issues can start and if you don’t get a handle on them, beware the teen years.  Children at this age:

• Start to form tighter peer relationships.  It is important to them to have friends (especially of the same sex).  Make sure that you know who your childrens friends are at this age.  If you wait too long to find out who is important in their lives, it will be harder to steer them in the right direction later.
• Experience much more peer pressure.  As children enter middle school, peer pressure becomes more pronounced and harder to ????.
• Want to be more independent.  They may complain about having to attend family functions and prefer to hang out with friends.  Try to find a happy medium.  Let the child know early that they are still part of the family.  Gear some family activities around interests of the child and every once in a while encourage her to invite friends.
• Body image becomes very important.  As puberty starts, children become more aware of their bodies.  This is the age where eating disorders can occur.  Teach your child to eat healthy and involve them in some sort of physical exercise.

To help your child at this stage:

• Be involved in school activities.  Meet your child’s teacher and attend school events.
• Talk to him about school, friends and other interests, but don’t grill him.  You may only get short one syllable answers, but at least he knows you care.
• Discuss what is right and wrong.  Tweens may find a lot of gray areas.  I have also pointed out to my children what I believe is inappropriate behavior and dress.  Now they point those things out to me.
• Discipline is important!  Make sure your child knows the rules and the consequences.
• Money!  Set up a plan to help your child manage money.  My favorite plan is Money Smart Kids.  This program teaches children to save their money, contribute to society by giving to charity and even have money to spend on themselves.
• Be vigilant about homework.  Set up a place for your child to complete her homework each day.  Help them study for tests if needed.  They need to make sure that they start good study habit now.

Children that are eleven and twelve should be able to:

• Shop for their own clothing (set up a budget for them)
• Learn how to make appointments (such as the dentist)
• Use the internet safely
• Learn first aid
• Plan and help make meals
• Help with a garden
• Mow the lawn and use weed trimmer
• Iron their own clothes
• Use a pay phone to place a call (teach them how to make a collect call).  You never know when a cell phone will not be available and there is an emergency.
• Clean inside and outside windows
• Learn a craft or hobby

No matter how hard I try sometimes, my kids still seem to get cavities.  If you are like me, you probably have a hard time getting your children to brush their teeth and brush them well.

It seems that children’s diets today are not nearly as healthy as they used to be and this can contribute to acid erosion.  Acid erosion is a growing problem among adults and children.  Most parents do not think that their child is at risk for acid erosion that can cause enamel loss.

I recently found a product that is trying to help the problem.  Sensodyne, a leader in sensitive teeth products, has developed a product called Sensodyne ProNamel for Children.  It is a pediatric toothpast designed to help re-harden tooth enamle.

On their website, you can find a ton of information about the problem and you can even request a sample of the product!

Now, if I could just get my kids to brush longer!

I received this question from a reader:

“I am wondering where to turn…I have a nine year old, who is driving me crazy with his dawdling! He moves so slowly, and I feel like I’m always on his case to move faster, faster, faster! We’ve tried using a timer, adding chores, etc, but nothing seems to work! I know he can move fast if he’s motivated, but I can’t seem to find that one thing that works for him! Can you help? Or point me in a direction?”

Nothing drives me crazier than a dawdling child! All of my three children at some point have been dawdlers. I have found that sometimes what I consider dawdling is not really dawdling at all. I tend to be an impatient person and a child who doesn’t immediately act on my command causes frustration for both myself and the child.

Instead, I have tried a number of different techniques:

• I found that sometimes I wasn’t giving my child enough time, especially in the morning. I, like my kids, like to sleep until the last minute, but I know how quickly I can get ready. I need to give them more than the 20 minutes it takes me. Instead of trying to rush, I try to get them out of bed 20 minutes earlier.
• I made each child a chart with pictures that has their morning and bedtime routines listed in order. The first step, get out of bed. Then, get dressed, etc. They are not allowed to do ANYTHING else until all steps are completed.
• After school, homework and chores must be completed before anything else is attempted. If it takes until dinner time to do those things, then it is off to bed after dinner.

A friend of mine had a daughter that was constantly late for everything. He set up a time schedule for her. For example, she must be ready to go out the door for school at 8:15am. If she is not ready at 8:15am, she must go to bed that night 30 minutes earlier. Then he gives her until 8:20am. If she is not ready by 8:20am, another 30 minutes of time is added to bed time, etc. It only took him a week of this before she learned that going to bed at 6:00pm is not a very attractive idea. Don’t make the deadline to get ready at 8:15am if school starts at 8:30am. You will need extra time as a buffer to allow the child some mistakes.

Always use praise when the child does get ready or completes tasks on time. Depending on the age of the child, a chart with stickers might be a good idea as well. Also, children who dawdle may be seeking attention. The more I yelled, the more it seemed to worsen. Instead, I came up with an action plan, stuck to it and calmly told them when they had missed a “deadline.” Of course, I am not perfect, and I tend to get very impatient when things are not done to my time schedule, but I am learning!

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I received the following question:

“What do you advise to help train my celebral palsy 20 month old who can’t verbalize but gets our attention by yelling.”

First, screaming and yelling is a common attribute of two year olds with or without a disability. Two year olds find it easy to scream and yell to get attention and it usually works. After awhile, parents usually become irratated with the screaming and do not know who to put a stop to it. Here are some tips for encouraging more positive behavior.

• If your child can not verbalize yet, teach him a sign or other sound that he can use to get your attention. When he uses this sound or sign, respond immediately. When he screams ignore him (I know this is hard to do!).
• Two year old are very smart and realize when a behavior is effective. Encourage good behavior and ignore bad behavior at this stage.
• If the screaming evolves into a tantrum, let them know that you love them and when they are done screaming that you will give them a hug and then move away a few steps.
• If the tantrum or screaming occurs in a situation where the child needs to be removed. Remove the child (to the car for example) and continue to ignore the behavior, letting them know that when they are finished they will be able to go back to the activity.
• Try not to yell back. This only reinforces the behavior in the child.

I hope these tips are helpful!

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This time of the year can be a fun and happy time, but it can also be an annoying time.  When my children realize that Christmas is getting close, they start talking about nothing else than what they want on their Christmas Lists.  Unfortunately for them, we are not millionaires and they do not get anything that they want.  Here are some ways that I control Christmas Spending and bring the true spirit of Christmas into our homes.

• Decorating - pick a day to decorate your home for the season.  I take time putting the nativity scenes in a special place and talking about Christmas.  Play Christmas music and have a special treat.
• Make a Budget - I make a secret list on my computer for each child where I write down what I have bought for them and the cost.  This helps me keep within my budget.
• Make Lists - I have each child write down what they want and then I review it with them.  Toys or items that are very expensive or inappropriate are taken off the list.  My children understand that there are items that we just can’t afford.
• Charity - Have your kids buy a toy for Toys for Tots or another charity.  Explain to them that there are children who will receive nothing this year.  At the Elementary School they have a “Giving Tree” which I encourage the children to participate in.  They pick a tag from the tree and buy a toy for a child in need.
• Pick Names - If you have a large extended family, make a new tradition, pick names instead of giving to everyone.  We do this with my siblings and my husband’s siblings as well.
• Make Traditions - Every year we get tickets to a play at the State Theater (and the tickets are only $6 each).  This is a fun holiday tradition for our family.  We also open on gift each on Christmas Eve.  I let them open the gift I choose, which is always pajamas!  They have something new and cozy to wear for Christmas Morning.

The Christmas Season can be hectic but enjoyable!

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It is easier to prepare your child to handle peer pressure when they are still in Elementary School, then to wait until the Middle or High School Years.  I found a wonderful article by Judy Larson with her tips on how to Prepare for Peer Pressure.  Judy advocates following these four steps:

1. Asking a question or questions
2. Identifying the wrong
3. Evaluating consequences
4. Suggesting an alternative

Judy gives some real life examples in her article.  Here is a real life example from one of my children’s lifes so you can see how the process works.

My middle daughter was pressured by her friend, Jane, to not include another friend, Amy, in their recess play.  My daughter asked Jane, “Why don’t you want to include her?” (Step 1)  Jane answered, “I just don’t want to.”  My daughter knew this was not nice (Step 2) and thought that if she did not include Amy both she and Amy would feel sad (Step 3).  Instead, my daughter said to Jane, “Amy is so much fun and she knows a new clapping game she could teach us.”  (Step 4) Jane decided that it would be fun to include Amy and the girls played together throughout the school year.

Take time to sit down with your children and make up peer pressure situations.  Let them go through each step of the process.  This will prepare them to think about peer pressure situations when they arise.

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My children would watch television or play video games 24/7 if they could.  The television can be so addictive!  Since, I don’t want my children watching television continuously, we have set up a system to limit their television time.  I purchased the product TimeScout Monitor from Family Safe Media and installed it on one of the televisions.  This tv also has the video game console connected to it.  Each child is given an “access card.”  The cards can have time added or deleted and the child uses the card to “swipe on” the television set. 

There have been advantages and disadvantages of using this type of system.

Advantages

• It is easy to add and delete time to the child’s card.  Time can be added for completion of chores, good behavior, etc. and deleted for bad behavior.
• Once the time runs out, the television turns off.   I don’t even have to nag them to turn off the television, they know when their time is up.
• The system works the best for my youngest son and video games.  He is allowed a limited amount of time each day for video games.  When the televsion turns off, the game is over.
• The system gives warning beeps before turning off.  A video game can easily be saved an ended in this amount of time.
• Each child gets their own card and can control their own time.

Disadvantages

• When all three children want to watch the same program at the same time, whose card does the time come from?  It is hard to keep track of whose turn it should be to swipe their card.
• If you have a child with no time on their card and another child wants to watch a program, you must find a different area for them to play or do work in.

This system seems to work best when it just controls video game play and not television watching.  It has worked well for our family, but we have to keep diligent on time management on the cards.

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  You may have heard a lot about Role Playing Games (RPGs) such as World of Warcraft, Everquest, Final Fantasy, and even Toontown.  The games are also referred to as Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPGs).  Hundreds or even thousands of participants can play at one time.  These games not only appeal to children and teens but to adults as well.  Unfortunately, some parents have found that their children are spending more time involved in playing RPGs than in doing anything else.

Why are these games different than other video games?  For one, MMORPGs offer chat features that allow you to interact with other players all over the world.  Second, the games also allow you to form teams or gang up on other players.  These features often make it difficult to step away from the computer for even one minute for fear that you may let down your other “team members.”  Plus, online gaming can also expose children to inappropriate content, language and behavior.

Many parents are growing concerned about addictions to online gaming.  While all children may not become addicted, there is the chance that your child may.  A sign that your child is addicted to online gaming is the need to play the game for more than four hours per day, irritable when they can’t play and forego other social activites to play the game.

What can you do as a parent to ensure that your child does not become addicted to online gaming and is in a safe playing environment?

Safe Playing List - Some games feature a block feature which allows interaction only between an approved buddy list.

Turn off Chat - If the game has a chat feature it can usually be disabled.

Know the Games - Find out which games your child wants to play and know their ratings.  Unfortunately, there are always “cheats” that allow players to modify their characters which may make them inappropriate.

Limit Time - Limit the time that your child can play online games.  Offer rewards of playing minutes for completed chores, extra help around the house, or good behavior at home or in school.  Online gaming (or even video games) should be the last thing your child has access to.  Homework, chores, sports or other activies should be completed first.

Be Firm - If your child knows how to use the computer, they can “Google” hundreds of articles about how online gaming does not cause an addiction.  I know, I have read through many of them.  Set the rules and don’t stray from them.

Throw it Away - When all else fails, throw the game away, or lock up the computer.  If the computer is needed for school work, try and spend time with the child when they are working on the computer.

I know of several ADULTS that are addicted to online gaming.  While they have not got to the point of quiting their jobs, almost all of their free time is spent playing online games.  Relationships with spouses and friends have suffered.  Their conversations are only about what happened in the “game” and their lives, apart from work, are based on a fantasy that does not exist.

Take time today to take to your child about online gaming.  If you have young children, make a plan before your child is introduced to online gaming.

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