Discipline How To Blog

I received the following question from a reader:

HELP! My almost 10 yr. old daughter has been getting worse and worse with her blatant disrespect towards me. I know that she continues to say and do the things she does, because I don’t know how to handle it. In the past hour these are the things she has said to me…1. You’re just so stupid! 2. Your face is ugly! 3. I hate you! 4. Stupid! 5. You’re the dumbest person ever! What do I do? Do I resort to physically trying to force vinegar in her mouth (as some have suggested)? I usually try to just tell her that it is wrong for her to talk to me like that, and then walk away. But it is only getting worse.  I also have two boys, one is 7 and one is 4, and they are starting to model her language. I often feel extremely “stepped on” and “deflated,” especially by my 10 yr old, because this has been going on for a long time, and no matter what we do, it just gets worse. There are times that it hurts my heart so badly that I feel like I know what it’s like to be emotionally abused on a daily basis.

Many of us have felt this way!  Don’t get discouraged, instead you need to set some rules for your children and breaking these rules some with consequences.

A few years ago, both my older and middle children were becoming a handful.  I had specific rules in my mind, but I did not communicate them well to my children.  I didn’t write them down and the consequences were always random and did not exist.  This was NOT working.  Then I was invited to a seminar at the local elementary school.  The program was called Smart Discipline by Dr. Larry Koenig.  This system changed the way that I disciplined my children.

This system teaches you, as a parent, to talk to your children about expectations, establish rules and formulate consequences.  The key to the program is follow through.  If you are willing to take a stand to diminish bad behavior, this system works!

In a nutshell, the Smart Discipline program uses a simple chart system.  The program suggests, and I have found this to be true, that you need to choose one or two behaviors to focus on at a time.  Trying to solve every problem at once may not work.  The child helps establish the consequences and understands that for each instance of bad behavior he receives an X on his chart.  The child will receive a few warning Xs before the consequences set in.

After using this system for my two older children and modifying their behavior, I stopped using the system for a while.  Now, my six year old son, is starting with whining and tantrums to try and get his way.  I pulled out the old system and I sat down with him to go over the rules and consequences.  When the whining starts, it is easy for me to remind him of the consequences and for him to see the chart and his progress.  Most whining sessions are easily nipped in the bud.

If you are struggling with behavior issues with any of your children, I would highly recommend Dr. Koenig’s Smart Discipline program.

My daughter is a high school freshman. She is not old enough to get a “real” job, but I like to have a game plan before she starts asking. The appeal to having is job is MONEY. Almost every teen wants extra spending money in their pocket and since Mom and Dad don’t grow money on trees, they figure that they will need a job to afford all those extra luxuries.

I personally think that having a job as a teenager is a good thing. However, if they are going to work during the school year, the hours should be very limited, 10 to 15 at the most. Here are some points to think about:

• Discuss the hours that your teen can work. Be realistic. If your teen is involved in sports or music, their time may be very limited.
• Suggest the possibility of having your teen work only during the summer. This will give your teen plenty of time for school work and extra curricular activities during the school year.
• Set up a budget for your teen. Tell them what you expect them to pay for out of the money they earn, what they should save, and what they should give to charity.
• Teens who work long hours tend to also be involved in more risky activities. Keep in mind that school work should still be their number one focus.
• If your teen absolutely hates school and does not plan to go on to college, try to get them to focus on a career plan after high school. Are they interested in construction or electronics? Maybe they could get a part time job as an apprentice.

Currently, my girls both get a budget for clothing and can earn extra money from doing “money chores.” Money chores are chores that are above and beyond the normal chores that they do as part of our family, such as filing paperwork, cleaning out the refrigerator or freezer and babysitting. If my teen were to get a job, we would adjust the clothing budget so that she would need to contribute to it as well. I good rule of thumb that I have found is: 40% savings, 10% charity and 50% spending money. Spending money can include such things as gas, movie tickets, clothing and eating out.

When your teen asks if he can get a job, be sure to sit down with him and devise a plan that will balance home, school and job.

Technorati Tags: teen discipline, teen jobs

I have two daughters, ages 9 and 14.  It is not too hard to guess that they like to shop for clothing!  Before I knew what was happening, their closets and drawers will filled with clothing that they seldom wore.  I started establishing some rules for clothing purchases and here is the process we follow at our house.

One in, Two Out

For every one item of clothing brought into the house (purchased or a gift), the girls must get rid of two similar pieces of clothing that they own.  I have started with the one for two option since they have too many clothes right now.  When their are less clothes in their room, I will change the rule to one in, one out.

The Budget

Each girl is given a budget for purchases every six months.  The first “payment” is in August in time for back to school shopping and the next payment is in February.  We determine ahead of time what amount each child should get and these amounts are not always the same.  For example, my older daughter is required to purchase certain items of clothing for soccer and this amount is included in the budget.

Clothing, Shoes and Accessories

The budget money is only to be spent on clothing, shoes and accessories (such as bags and belts).  I do not allow them to purchase food, video games, movie tickets and the like with this money.  I purchase school supplies for them and this does not come out of their budget.

Keep Track

I give each of my girls a notebook for them to keep track of their purchases.  They must staple the receipt and keep a running total.  I review it with them every two weeks or so.

Exclude Certain Purchases

Some clothing purchases are excluded from the budget.  Prom dresses and dresses or outfits for events they are required to attend (family wedding, anniversaries, etc.) are excluded.  However, they are required to purchase clothing from their budget money for friends parties.

Discuss Appropriate Purchases

Before you allow your teen or tween to start purchasing, go over with them what is appropriate.  At our house, halter tops and belly shirts are on the inappropriate list (as well as other items).  If they make a purchase you don’t approve of, make them take it back.  Of course, if you just don’t like the color, you might have to live with it!

It’s Your Money

When we are out shopping, and my girls want to make a purchase (that is appropriate), I tell them “It’s Your Money.”  My older daughter has learned that spending $25 on one t-shirt is not economical.  She can get two or three t-shirts for the same price at a discount store or on sale at a department store.

If I am shopping with my girls I pay for the purchases and then have them write it in their notebooks.  If my older daughter goes to the store with friends, I will give her a small amount and have her return all the change and bring back the receipts.  Money for food comes out of her chore money.

Don’t Give In

Some kids will want to spend the whole budget at one shot.  Don’t give in, if they can not purchase anything until the next budget period.  They will better understand how to manage money if you don’t step in when they make mistakes. 

My goal as a parent is to raise children into responsible adults.  Giving them every thing they could possibly want, does not make them responsible.  My daughters have learned that they have to make wise purchases if they want to make their money last for six months.

Technorati Tags: budget, discipline how to, parenting, shopping, teen shopping, tween

It is so hard for me to believe, but my oldest daughter started High School today!  Yesterday she was a little kindergartener - and then I blinked.  High School can be an exciting time, but also a stressful time for young teenagers.  My daughter was a little concerned when, at orientation, she could only find half of her classrooms.  Here are a few tips for parents of new High Schoolers:

• Be Involved.  Attend any meetings offered to parents.  If possible, become involved in sports committees or the PTO/PTA.
• Listen.  Be prepared to listen to your child’s fears and also what excites her.  Try to help her overcome any anxities she may have.
• Help you child get organized from day one.  If the school does not provide planner, get one for him.  Help him organize notebooks based on his schedule.  Teach him these skills and then let him go it on his own.
• Read the school handbook and be aware of the rules and regulations.  Detentions are often given for tardiness or excessive absences.
• If your child’s mood changes, try to ascertain what is bothering her.  There may be bullying problems and your child may feel that they can not talk to you about the problem.  Suggest they try their school counselor if they won’t discuss the problem.  If there is a bullying problem talk to the child’s counselor or a school administrator.
• Let you child get involved.  There are plenty of extracurricular activities at school.  Let her find one that interests her.
• Your child should get three good meals a day and get plenty of sleep.  Most teenagers need at least 10 hours of sleep a night!  Limit time spent on computer and video games and television during the week.  Instead opt for exercise, outside time or reading.

Teenagers seem to forget that they are part of a family as well.  They should still be involved in family activities and have responsibilities (chores) around the house.

Have a great school year!

Technorati Tags: teen discipline