Discipline How To Blog

I received this question from a reader:

“I am wondering where to turn…I have a nine year old, who is driving me crazy with his dawdling! He moves so slowly, and I feel like I’m always on his case to move faster, faster, faster! We’ve tried using a timer, adding chores, etc, but nothing seems to work! I know he can move fast if he’s motivated, but I can’t seem to find that one thing that works for him! Can you help? Or point me in a direction?”

Nothing drives me crazier than a dawdling child! All of my three children at some point have been dawdlers. I have found that sometimes what I consider dawdling is not really dawdling at all. I tend to be an impatient person and a child who doesn’t immediately act on my command causes frustration for both myself and the child.

Instead, I have tried a number of different techniques:

• I found that sometimes I wasn’t giving my child enough time, especially in the morning. I, like my kids, like to sleep until the last minute, but I know how quickly I can get ready. I need to give them more than the 20 minutes it takes me. Instead of trying to rush, I try to get them out of bed 20 minutes earlier.
• I made each child a chart with pictures that has their morning and bedtime routines listed in order. The first step, get out of bed. Then, get dressed, etc. They are not allowed to do ANYTHING else until all steps are completed.
• After school, homework and chores must be completed before anything else is attempted. If it takes until dinner time to do those things, then it is off to bed after dinner.

A friend of mine had a daughter that was constantly late for everything. He set up a time schedule for her. For example, she must be ready to go out the door for school at 8:15am. If she is not ready at 8:15am, she must go to bed that night 30 minutes earlier. Then he gives her until 8:20am. If she is not ready by 8:20am, another 30 minutes of time is added to bed time, etc. It only took him a week of this before she learned that going to bed at 6:00pm is not a very attractive idea. Don’t make the deadline to get ready at 8:15am if school starts at 8:30am. You will need extra time as a buffer to allow the child some mistakes.

Always use praise when the child does get ready or completes tasks on time. Depending on the age of the child, a chart with stickers might be a good idea as well. Also, children who dawdle may be seeking attention. The more I yelled, the more it seemed to worsen. Instead, I came up with an action plan, stuck to it and calmly told them when they had missed a “deadline.” Of course, I am not perfect, and I tend to get very impatient when things are not done to my time schedule, but I am learning!

Technorati Tags: dawdling, discipline how to

I received the following question:

“What do you advise to help train my celebral palsy 20 month old who can’t verbalize but gets our attention by yelling.”

First, screaming and yelling is a common attribute of two year olds with or without a disability. Two year olds find it easy to scream and yell to get attention and it usually works. After awhile, parents usually become irratated with the screaming and do not know who to put a stop to it. Here are some tips for encouraging more positive behavior.

• If your child can not verbalize yet, teach him a sign or other sound that he can use to get your attention. When he uses this sound or sign, respond immediately. When he screams ignore him (I know this is hard to do!).
• Two year old are very smart and realize when a behavior is effective. Encourage good behavior and ignore bad behavior at this stage.
• If the screaming evolves into a tantrum, let them know that you love them and when they are done screaming that you will give them a hug and then move away a few steps.
• If the tantrum or screaming occurs in a situation where the child needs to be removed. Remove the child (to the car for example) and continue to ignore the behavior, letting them know that when they are finished they will be able to go back to the activity.
• Try not to yell back. This only reinforces the behavior in the child.

I hope these tips are helpful!

Technorati Tags: discipline how to

I have two daughters, ages 9 and 14.  It is not too hard to guess that they like to shop for clothing!  Before I knew what was happening, their closets and drawers will filled with clothing that they seldom wore.  I started establishing some rules for clothing purchases and here is the process we follow at our house.

One in, Two Out

For every one item of clothing brought into the house (purchased or a gift), the girls must get rid of two similar pieces of clothing that they own.  I have started with the one for two option since they have too many clothes right now.  When their are less clothes in their room, I will change the rule to one in, one out.

The Budget

Each girl is given a budget for purchases every six months.  The first “payment” is in August in time for back to school shopping and the next payment is in February.  We determine ahead of time what amount each child should get and these amounts are not always the same.  For example, my older daughter is required to purchase certain items of clothing for soccer and this amount is included in the budget.

Clothing, Shoes and Accessories

The budget money is only to be spent on clothing, shoes and accessories (such as bags and belts).  I do not allow them to purchase food, video games, movie tickets and the like with this money.  I purchase school supplies for them and this does not come out of their budget.

Keep Track

I give each of my girls a notebook for them to keep track of their purchases.  They must staple the receipt and keep a running total.  I review it with them every two weeks or so.

Exclude Certain Purchases

Some clothing purchases are excluded from the budget.  Prom dresses and dresses or outfits for events they are required to attend (family wedding, anniversaries, etc.) are excluded.  However, they are required to purchase clothing from their budget money for friends parties.

Discuss Appropriate Purchases

Before you allow your teen or tween to start purchasing, go over with them what is appropriate.  At our house, halter tops and belly shirts are on the inappropriate list (as well as other items).  If they make a purchase you don’t approve of, make them take it back.  Of course, if you just don’t like the color, you might have to live with it!

It’s Your Money

When we are out shopping, and my girls want to make a purchase (that is appropriate), I tell them “It’s Your Money.”  My older daughter has learned that spending $25 on one t-shirt is not economical.  She can get two or three t-shirts for the same price at a discount store or on sale at a department store.

If I am shopping with my girls I pay for the purchases and then have them write it in their notebooks.  If my older daughter goes to the store with friends, I will give her a small amount and have her return all the change and bring back the receipts.  Money for food comes out of her chore money.

Don’t Give In

Some kids will want to spend the whole budget at one shot.  Don’t give in, if they can not purchase anything until the next budget period.  They will better understand how to manage money if you don’t step in when they make mistakes. 

My goal as a parent is to raise children into responsible adults.  Giving them every thing they could possibly want, does not make them responsible.  My daughters have learned that they have to make wise purchases if they want to make their money last for six months.

Technorati Tags: budget, discipline how to, parenting, shopping, teen shopping, tween

My children would watch television or play video games 24/7 if they could.  The television can be so addictive!  Since, I don’t want my children watching television continuously, we have set up a system to limit their television time.  I purchased the product TimeScout Monitor from Family Safe Media and installed it on one of the televisions.  This tv also has the video game console connected to it.  Each child is given an “access card.”  The cards can have time added or deleted and the child uses the card to “swipe on” the television set. 

There have been advantages and disadvantages of using this type of system.

Advantages

• It is easy to add and delete time to the child’s card.  Time can be added for completion of chores, good behavior, etc. and deleted for bad behavior.
• Once the time runs out, the television turns off.   I don’t even have to nag them to turn off the television, they know when their time is up.
• The system works the best for my youngest son and video games.  He is allowed a limited amount of time each day for video games.  When the televsion turns off, the game is over.
• The system gives warning beeps before turning off.  A video game can easily be saved an ended in this amount of time.
• Each child gets their own card and can control their own time.

Disadvantages

• When all three children want to watch the same program at the same time, whose card does the time come from?  It is hard to keep track of whose turn it should be to swipe their card.
• If you have a child with no time on their card and another child wants to watch a program, you must find a different area for them to play or do work in.

This system seems to work best when it just controls video game play and not television watching.  It has worked well for our family, but we have to keep diligent on time management on the cards.

Technorati Tags: discipline how to, television time management

picture by Uriel 1998

Some parents are fearful that if they do not send their children to preschool that they will not learn the skills (or the discipline) to attend kindergarten. While good preschools can teach your children valuable skills, these skills can also be learned at home. Some parents do not have the option of homeschooling their preschoolers due to work demands, but those that do might want to take a second look.

Terrie Lynn Bittner has written an excellent article outlining the pros and cons of homeschooling your preschooler. She lists arguments in favor of preschooling including, socialization skills, academic training and school-related skills.

However, she has a longer list of arguments against preschool. Terrie states:

“It is only in the recent generation that preschool has become nearly mandatory,largely corresponding to the numbers of children in daycare.”

Terrie makes that case that the skills taught in any preschool are very easy to teach at home and parents know what their children need best. Some parents feel that their children need preschool just for the socialization and then find that their children are learning inappropriate behavior. Instead, some parents are finding play groups for their children to increase socialization and at the same time are there to reinforce positive behavior and stifle negative behavior.

Terrie’s article also lists methods of teaching preschool in the home and how to create a stimulating home environment.

I used to work full time outside the home. My two daughters were both in daycare and they did well there. After my youngest son was born, I decided to stay home full time. I had him enrolled, during the day, in a some small classes at the gym (swimming, sports) where in a short amount of time he learned socialization and listening skills. I then enrolled him in a home-based preschool, one in which the parents take turn teaching and helping. There he learned art skills and some academic skills (shapes, numbers, etc). The rest I did at home. I probably spent less than 20 minutes a day with him on reading and math. He just entered kindergarten and can read and do simple math. While regular preschools have good intentions, the attention paid to each student can be minimal. One-on-one time with your child can increase the amount they learn in a very little time.

If you are interested in homeschooling for preschool, Terrie’s article is well worth the read.

Technorati Tags: discipline how to, homeschool, preschool

  You may have heard a lot about Role Playing Games (RPGs) such as World of Warcraft, Everquest, Final Fantasy, and even Toontown.  The games are also referred to as Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPGs).  Hundreds or even thousands of participants can play at one time.  These games not only appeal to children and teens but to adults as well.  Unfortunately, some parents have found that their children are spending more time involved in playing RPGs than in doing anything else.

Why are these games different than other video games?  For one, MMORPGs offer chat features that allow you to interact with other players all over the world.  Second, the games also allow you to form teams or gang up on other players.  These features often make it difficult to step away from the computer for even one minute for fear that you may let down your other “team members.”  Plus, online gaming can also expose children to inappropriate content, language and behavior.

Many parents are growing concerned about addictions to online gaming.  While all children may not become addicted, there is the chance that your child may.  A sign that your child is addicted to online gaming is the need to play the game for more than four hours per day, irritable when they can’t play and forego other social activites to play the game.

What can you do as a parent to ensure that your child does not become addicted to online gaming and is in a safe playing environment?

Safe Playing List - Some games feature a block feature which allows interaction only between an approved buddy list.

Turn off Chat - If the game has a chat feature it can usually be disabled.

Know the Games - Find out which games your child wants to play and know their ratings.  Unfortunately, there are always “cheats” that allow players to modify their characters which may make them inappropriate.

Limit Time - Limit the time that your child can play online games.  Offer rewards of playing minutes for completed chores, extra help around the house, or good behavior at home or in school.  Online gaming (or even video games) should be the last thing your child has access to.  Homework, chores, sports or other activies should be completed first.

Be Firm - If your child knows how to use the computer, they can “Google” hundreds of articles about how online gaming does not cause an addiction.  I know, I have read through many of them.  Set the rules and don’t stray from them.

Throw it Away - When all else fails, throw the game away, or lock up the computer.  If the computer is needed for school work, try and spend time with the child when they are working on the computer.

I know of several ADULTS that are addicted to online gaming.  While they have not got to the point of quiting their jobs, almost all of their free time is spent playing online games.  Relationships with spouses and friends have suffered.  Their conversations are only about what happened in the “game” and their lives, apart from work, are based on a fantasy that does not exist.

Take time today to take to your child about online gaming.  If you have young children, make a plan before your child is introduced to online gaming.

Technorati Tags: discipline how to, online gaming, parenting

After writing a post about the return of paddling in Texas schools, I thought I would search the web for other recent articles on spanking.  The following are posts that I came across that are worth reading:

Technorati Tags: child punishment, discipline for children, discipline how to, discipline kids, spanking

The French authorites have come to the conculsion that televsion is bad for children.  The government is banning a new television channel “BabyFirstTV” produced by News Corp from airing.  The channel is geared to children under three, however, experts have recently stated that excessive television viewing can retard normal development.  The television channel is airing in the United States and usually runs about $4.99 per month.  The producers claim that the channel should be watched by parents and children together.

According to studies, children watch about 1,680 minutes of television per week.  An American youth spends about 900 hours in school each year and 1500 hours watching television (I wonder when they do homework).  By the time a child is 18 years old, they have seen 200,000 acts of violence on televsion. 

I have often used the televsion to “babysit” my own children and I have found the more they watch televsion the more crabby, disrepectful and disobedient they become.  I try to keep them busy with other activities including sports, dance and music.  Every child should also be assigned some household chores to complete daily.  Plus, reading should be done on a daily basis.  Unfortunately, many parents find it easier to have their children watch television then to actual make sure that they are raising children to be responsible adults.

Technorati Tags: discipline how to, parenting

My second grade teacher was a paddler.  She never paddled the girls, but the boys certain took their share.  Soon after that year, paddling was stopped in the Elementary School.  Now it seems to be making a comeback.  Fort Stockton, Texas, has opted to include paddling as a disciplinary method.

The decision was made in the spring to allow paddling.  Public hearings were held and not one person complained.  The Fort Stockton School Superinrendent, Roy Mayfield, stated “If a parent is concerned and does not want their child to get corporal punishment, then they need to take the responsibility to make sure that their child knows to behave when they go to school.”

Coporal punishment was allowed in the school district previously, with the parent’s permission.  Now a wording change has taken place and the district does not have to ask in advance if the child can be paddled. 

It is unfortunate that the school district has to resort to such methods.  If parents actually had the discipline how to, this approach might not be necessary.  Many parents have no method of discipline in their homes and this reflects in the child’s school behavior as well.

Technorati Tags: child punishment, discipline how to

There are days at my house when my three children are constantly arguing. It becomes so frustrating, that eventually I just tell them to solve their own problems. Is this really helping the situation? Probably not!

Sibling fighting can actually be a sign of lack of disciplinary control at home, according to Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family. When children feel that there is no justice or punishment of the wrongdoer tensions can escalate. Older (and bigger) children find it easy to tease and bully younger children. However, younger children can strike back in their own ways.

When fighting among siblings is ignored, the fighting will continue to escalte. Often older children get disciplined while the younger children are constantly “getting away with it.”

Dr. Dobson offered six rules from his own family that can help limit sibling rivalry:

1. Children can not make fun of each other in a destructive way. No exceptions.
2. Each child should have their own private space. It may be their own room or section of the room. Other children are not allowed to enter without permission and must respect the others’ space.
3. Older children are not permitted to tease younger children.
4. The younger children can not harass or tease the older children.
5. Children should not be required to play with each other when they need alone time or time with friends.
6. Parents should mediate any conflict as quickly as possible. Try to show impartiality!

If you want to initiate these rules with your children, make sure that you discuss the rules and the consequences first. This allows children to understand why and when they will be disciplined.

Technorati Tags: child punishment, discipline how to, sibling rivalry